Have you ever physically jumped off a cliff? In high school, my best friend and I rode some 4 wheelers out to this large waterfall in the middle of the woods that you would never know was there. It was beautiful. The group of risk takers I was with, including my best friend who isn't afraid of much, all decided to jump off the waterfall. I have never considered myself an adrenalin junkie or daredevil; in fact, for a long time in my life, you could count me saying no to everything. But for whatever reason, I decided this day to jump off this cliff. Maybe I didn't want to be made fun of, maybe I was trying to impress one of the guys in the group or maybe I just felt somewhat safe because I was doing it with my best friend. Regardless, I was able to get caught up in the moment and take the leap. I can remember peering over the edge, heart racing, terrified of how it was going to feel falling through the air without control, but also thinking about how much I would regret it if I turned around, went back down and watched everyone else enjoy the ride.
Fear can be paralyzing, but not moving forward through the fear is worse. Taking physical risks like riding roller coasters or water sides or jumping off waterfalls has always been scary for me, but I find the idea of jumping off a metaphorical cliff, a cliff that requires me to be a different level of vulnerable, to be open to being hurt by someone else's response to that vulnerability, is even scarier. Over the past several years, I have been challenging myself to dive into deeper conversations, to confront things that make me feel uncomfortable and to rise above my fears of judgment, abandonment or ridicule to create different relationships with those closest to me. It takes a whole lot of trust to create these changes, and I have found that in order to get to a place where I can trust, I have to give it. I have to jump. To get to those deeply desirable and fulfilling places where I feel true belonging, I have to free fall without knowing what the ending will be, just trusting the process and most importantly my own ability to take care of myself after the fall no matter how it ends up. And that trust in myself is my parachute.
When I was about to take a huge leap in life moving and opening a private practice that had no dependable income while going through a divorce and being the sole caretaker for my daughter (no pressure), a friend of mine from Graduate School told me that I had nothing to fear because I had a parachute. She further went on to remind me that there was no way I was ever going to let my daughter go without; that even if my practice failed and I was broke, I would work four jobs if needed to make sure that we were able to maintain. I have a license and a master's degree and cultural experiences through traveling and education, I have a wide variety of knowledge and wisdom that many other people have not been privileged enough to have. I have been blessed with multiple parachutes. Jumping off that cliff, trusting that the universe was leading me in the right direction, I found I was mostly trusting myself and my ability to get up if and when I fell down.
So how do we apply this thought to relationships? When we've been hurt or disappointed or let down, when trusting has put us in situations or relationships that have hurt us, it can be hard to climb back up to that cliff and consider jumping off again. It's not as easy to see where our parachute is when we talk in relational context, but I believe that parachute comes from our experiences, lessons learned, pain felt and through that, learning who we are, what grounds us, what makes us healthy and how much strength we have had to have to be where we are today. We have had 100 percent success rate of surviving every hard day that has come our way. Holding on to that knowledge, no matter how deeply vulnerable we get with anyone else, no matter how much that exposes us and scares us, that's the parachute and the thing that allows us to jump off the cliff. If we get to the bottom and we realize that it is covered with rocks, we have the ability to pull our parachute and take care of ourselves. However, if we don't take the risk to jump off the cliff at all, we will never know if there are rocks or water underneath or get the opportunity to find that true belonging both with yourself and with someone else.
Oscar Wilde said "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all". To live fully is fully belonging. Relationships whether they be friendships or intimate relationships or most importantly the relationship with yourself, can only get to the level you allow them to get to. To get to that place in relationships that gives us healing and belonging, you have to be willing to jump. And in knowing you have your parachute of self-trust and ability for self-care in your back pocket, allow yourself to feel the fall, the joy, the connection, the belonging, the moment. Live.
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